Riverhead Man Ranks High in NY Eye Hand Test

First of all I was waiting for famous people to stop dying because I had run out of original things to say about them. Also, I was tired of running the "dead letter" picture. However, the seagull is there as only a marker that really has nothing to do with what I want to blog about today.

About 9 months ago I decided to get an i phone. I swore up and down after an absence of 11 years from the corporate life, all I needed was a cell phone that made phone calls as a convenience to me and Ms. Ellen. However, there was something seductive about the i phone. I have had an i pod for a few years because I really couldn't stand listening to the radio. All I heard were the mistakes and I want more control over the tunes that assault my psyche. But, a device that had my tunes, my e-mail and access to the Internet might be a wonderful thing to have.

The trip to the Apple Store is a story for another time, but without too much trouble I came home with the i phone and familiarized myself with it by inputing my phone contact list as the low end Verizon phone I had could not be cloned. I did, however, keep my phone number.

After a while, I discovered i phone users are somewhat pack like and they are very proud of the "apps" or applications that you see advertised on TV. I suspect there is a lot of "app" envy among users. I was seated next to a guy on Friday night at a charity event who had an i phone and we jousted back and forth showing each other our "apps." He had some really cool stuff. But I have a Star Wars Laser saber complete with sound effects that almost decapitated him. So, now you understand the environment in which one lives and works with his or her i phone.

A few weeks ago I was visiting with our 24 year old nephew who works on Wall Street. He's a smart young man and quite competitive. He's a paint baller, car enthusiast and one time miniature rocket launcher. We were seated at dinner. We each had our i phones out of their protective holsters resting on the table close at hand. My nephew said, "Hey, Uncle Steve, have you seen this neat game that you can download for free, it's called Paper Toss."

Essentially, this game consists of tossing a piece of paper into a trash can by launching it with your finger. There is a fan that varies in position and speed so that you have to launch the paper at different angles in order to drop it in the can. The levels increase in difficulty by varying the distance from you to the can. Well, I was never an athlete of any kind. Always the last one picked and I still can't throw a ball overhand. But, when I found games like golf, fishing, target shooting and corporate and business warfare, where you competed against yourself, it changed my life. I found some things at which I could compete and sometimes win. It changed my self esteem and stature in life.

In the retirement years I missed the competition a bit, so Paper Toss became a passion. I chose to master the easiest level and was quite proud of my score of 79. Remember, I was competing against myself. Until one day I noticed that you could post your score. I pushed the button and saw that I was number 1 in Riverhead. I was very proud of myself even though I was the only Riverhead contestant. Today, I noticed I could check my rank statewide, nationally and internationally. Imagine my surprise to find that my score of 79 ranked me 18th in the state of New York. The other rankings are not important as I don't compete in those arenas as competing probably requires travel and I don't travel.

Well, I don't have a great, mediocre or poor ending for this piece, so I'll do what the late George Carlin did when he had no ending for a piece, I'll simply take a little bow.

Thank you.

Author's note: As of yesterday (8/11/09) I hit 91 which put me tenth in New York State. I'm finished counting now. Thanks to all of you who made this possible.

Steve

The Not So Grateful Dead

I thought I would blog about Michael Jackson's recent passing.  But, then I thought what could I say that many others have not already said and said  better.  Then I thought Michael has just begun to be dead, so after the initial hubbub ends and the last retro CD has been purchased, there will be significant new things to be said but I still think I will leave those comments to others.  

However, I would like to say that Michael Jackson was a great and original performer who left a huge amount of his work behind to be enjoyed by others for generations to come.  But, so too did Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Ernest Hemingway, Edgar Allan Poe, Charles Dickens, Ian Flemming and Ray Charles just to name a few.  All of them had their emotional and physical limitations, but somehow soldiered on and cranked out the everlasting art we continue to enjoy

On the other hand, there are several artists who produced some fabulous work, but, as Neil Diamond said in his song of the same title, they were "done too soon."  I'm talking about Jim Croce, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, James Dean and most certainly Heath Ledger.  I am also thinking about Harper Lee who wrote "To Kill a Mocking Bird."  Sadly, it seems, she didn't live long enough for us to find out if she had another fine novel within her.  (Author's note:  Bulletin!  Harper Lee is not dead.  Therefore, we have to substitute someone else like the photographer Diane Arbus who committed suicide before photographing anywhere near the potential of her lifetime portfolio.  Furthermore, she didn't make very many of the classic prints for which we hold her in such high regard as an artist.) And then there is  "Gone With the Wind" author Margaret Mitchell whose life was  cut short tragically by an auto accident.  Yes, within the last few years relatives found a manuscript entitled "Lost Laysen" among Ms. Mitchell's papers but nothing has come of it.  Maybe it just doesn't compare to her masterpiece.  How could it without her being around to shape into something akin to GWTW.

So, I guess the point of this is to remind ourselves to  treasure the artists that we discover early in their careers who touch that special place in our hearts and souls and dare not assume that they will be around any longer than it takes to type a semi-colon.

The Most Important News of Your Life in Less Than a Minute

I started thinking about this piece about 20 plus years ago. It was then that I began to notice that people's attention spans were getting shorter. I reached this conclusion by observing the popularity of the entertainment magazine shows on television, the slow but steady rise of USA Today as a news source in a time when newspapers were just beginning to feel pain of shrinking circulation and the emergence of CNN and the CNN Headline News service. Suddenly, news was available whenever one wanted it. I was traveling a lot in those days and it was most convenient to tune in CNN as soon as I arrived at a hotel in a new city. In 15 minutes, I knew all the pertinent things I needed to know to continue to appear to be a citizen of the world.

However, after growing up listening to long radio newscasts during the dinner hour which then gave way to long television newscasts during the dinner half hour (everything was shrinking), I began wondering why and how these start ups with their concise information capsules and, in the case of USA Today, the little charts that summed up some important issue could be as satisfying as the long form information I was accustomed to receiving. Very few of us thought "McNews" as it was called, would survive.

The more I thought about this, the more I realized that the generation that was about to take over the bulge in the population grew up on Sesame Street. You know, "Today's show is brought to you by the letter g, the color green and the number 4, boys and girls." So, if these kids were getting their information spoon fed to them in nice little mind sized easily absorbed chunks, how were they going to react to large mind numbing chunks of data that might require some sort of smack in the forehead to effectuate a kind of Heimlich Mind Maneuver to free a choking brain? Come to think of it, the music of the time had the same rhythm structure that nursery rhymes had. They were short, easy to learn and they rhymed. Just like the music, the news and information had a pleasant and easy to follow cadence. Sound effects were added to the newscasts to set it apart from the music. A Pavlovian teletype ticker separated the news from every other sound on the air. Even the voices of the news announcers had a certain timbre to them to further alert the audience to the fact that what they were listening to was the news. Maybe it wasn't the glass ceiling, sexism or lack of opportunity that banned the women from the on air news business for so long, but rather the culprit was their higher pitched voices being thought to be "unnews like." Women have been delivering news (good, bad and humorous) in their homes for years and everyone who heard these reports, understood them.

So, what's the point of this? The newspapers continue to fall like houses of ....well...wet newsprint. News has all but disappeared from many radio stations and television stations have added more news in hopes of staving off their declining viewership caused by the proliferation and fractionalization of cable and maybe the hope that without newspapers, they'll get another chance at regaining their once huge audiences. Video Rangers, that train has sailed.

The recent election in Iran where the government banned "traditional" news coverage, came right into our ears and eyes from the Internet, cell phones, Face Book and Twitter with its 140 character limit on content. It is a hoot to hear these news folks with their basso profundo voices explaining their information sources in terms of "tweets." The rabbit hole has been enlarged, Alice and we're all falling through it.

Late Night Wars

My late father was a big fan of vaudeville.  Although we were almost the last people on earth to get a television because dad thought it was a fad, once we had it, we were unable to pry him away from it.  Why?  Because the early days of television were run by people from vaudeville.  Where else were the networks going to find people with the abilities to stage entertainment programming?  That's why the early TV shows looked like stage shows.  Uncle Miltie and Your Show of Shows, Ed Sullivan and the rest all looked like vaudeville.  My father was overjoyed and he and I watched a lot of television together.  Because of this, I was and am a witness to a bit of television history.  I was in front of the set when Steve Allen hosted the first Tonite Show on NBC.  I saw his first show and his last.  I saw Jack Paar's first shot at the late night show and his last.  I was there for Johnny Carson's debut and his finale, which, by the way, was the most emotional.  Therefore, I couldn't miss Leno's debut or Dave Leterman's either.  At the time I wrote a long memo to the broadcast company I worked for telling them what a mistake NBC made in letting Dave get away from them and how they would regret giving Leno the job.  Obviously, I was wrong.  Leno beat Dave handily most of the 17 years they competed.

I'm not sure why that happened, but I suspect that Dave's irreverence infected the way he delivered his own writers' material leaving the audience to wonder, if Dave thinks this stuff is so bad, why should I watch it?  Dave just might be too hip for the room as they used to say.

Now, the torch has passed again with Conan O'Brien taking over the Tonite Show and going head to head with Letterman.  Despite what you read, this is not a level playing field.  Dave is a good 20 years older than Conan and so is his material.  One pundit I read said "Dave has to "up his game" if he ever hopes to be on top in the late night ratings.

I think Dave is faced with the impossible task of changing his game to compete with a younger more likable Conan who is essentially doing a form of Letterman's shtick in a nicer way.  He could grab a great number of Letterman's younger viewers and essentially decimate the CBS late show.  Conan is certainly likable enough to keep Leno's older viewers which leaves Dave with not much.  To level the field again, CBS,  ABC or Fox might find some likable character who appeals to the average aged late night viewer who could drive a wedge between Conan and Dave and take 75% of the combined audience and put Dave AND Conan out of business.  Will that happen?  I don't think so.  I just think Dave will fade away and NBC will outright own late night.

Now, why should we care?  Personally, I don't care because I can't stay up that late anymore and the humor on both shows is somewhat lackluster to me.  However, the former broadcast business guy in me knows that these shows are vastly profitable because they are very inexpensive to produce compared to anything else on network television.  The profits gleaned from these late night modern vaudeville shows can pay for some  better prime time programming which I think needs to be drastically improved.   

What do you think?  Do you care?  Or do you want to be the biggest loser dancing with the American idol nanny while she has her home improved by the vast cast from the huge number of Law and Order cast members?

Ladies and gentlemen, you may start your lives.

I have always wanted to be invited to speak at a high school graduation ceremony.  On only one occasion was an invitation extended, but unfortunately a scheduling conflict prevented me from doing it.   However, I have been thinking about what I would have said and I am going to share it with you now.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I am honored to be here.  

I want to congratulate you on the completion of your first major life project.  The twelve or more years you spent getting to this day were aimed at this result and the skills you learned during those years brought you to this day.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that this project is probably the shortest one you will do in your lifetime.  Other projects may include: marriage, parenting, career, taking care of your own parents and siblings, hobbies, religion, community involvement,  friendship and some things you will take upon yourself that I haven't mentioned because I can't think of all of them.  All of these things are part of the fabric of life and require time and skill.  As I said, these last twelve or so years will seem easy compared to the other life events I mentioned. However, in addition to the training you received here in this institution and at home from your family, I have prepared a list of things that I think will serve you well.

1.  Enjoy your family, your life and your job in that order.  Be defined by the former; not the latter.

2.  Mentor and be mentored.  Alway try to work for someone who is smarter than you are.

3.  Remember that voicemail, email, Twitter, Face Book, et al will be the undoing of us all because they are poor substitutes for human contact.

4. Never shop at Sears or allow Steven Segal to become more than a punch line.

5.  The environment that you create must contain the essentials sought by the characters in the Wizard of OZ; heart, brain and courage.  And don't forget that Dorothy was looking for a home.

6.  If you choose management as a career, remember to manage people's weaknesses.  That's what management is all about.  Their strengths will take care of themselves.  You can be most effective shoring up weaknesses.

7.  Use consultants, counsellors and other distributors of advice sparingly.  Frequently, they serve merely as coroners.  You will recognize terminal or dead when you see them.

8.  Always believe and trust in a higher power.

9.  Do something for other humans,  the animals and the planet on a regular basis.  The ecology is the issue of forever.

10.  There doesn't always have to be a number 10.  But, if you really need one, it would be to learn to edit yourself.

Well, that wasn't too hard.  Only took me 65 years and a few months to put them together.  You'll do it faster and better.

May whatever force you choose, be with you always.

Thank you.

Try a Little Churlishness

I am overwhelmed with Face Book, My Space, Twitter, Plaxo et al.  It started simply enough.  I received one of those e-mails saying, "Joe Blitzelplik has added your name to his list of friends and we need your confirmation that he is a friend of yours."  I haven't seen Joe since high school which was a long time ago, I didn't particularly like him then although I don't remember why, so I thought "why not, it might be interesting to see what Joe has been up to for the last 40 years."  I cut and pasted the requisite web info and ok'd Joe as a friend.  

It was like one of those aliens opened its mouth and swallowed my computer.  Suddenly I am confronted with more information about Joe than I'd bargained for and I was dumbstruck with the knowledge that this hockey puck has 610 friends.  610!  Impossible!  Well, then I started getting requests from people that I've never heard of who are friends of Joe and would like to possibly be friends with me.  

Hold on!

Or, as they say at the Jewish Chronicle, "Hold the back page."

I am one of those guys who believes that if you can count your friends on the fingers of one hand, you are indeed fortunate.  I don't think anyone could legitimately be interested in acquiring 610 "friends." other than Joe and the many others I see on these sites.   It's pathetic!  These web bandits are exhibiting behavior much like bird watchers who have been accumulating an ever expanding list of birds they have seen and the bigger the number the more impressed are their friends and fellow birders.  It's like asking someone how many baseball cards they have or how many tunes they have on their i pod.  It's insane and unnecessary information.

Having said all of that, the marketing guy inside me has to recognize that the sheer number of these sites indicates a desire for them by a large number of people.  This is something that cannot be ignored.  But, it does point out an apparent isolation and subsequent need that people who spend too much time in front the computer must be feeling.  Why else would these sites be proliferating?

My young college friend Sally Amanda Balustrade  (not her real name)  thinks that these sites are causing young people to "squander their social capital."  In other words, one doesn't have to work at developing relationships with people face to face.  All you have to do is keep your personal site up to date and comment on the inane things people write in the "What are you doing right now" space on their page.  Soon, they are going to tell us what they are really doing and it's either going to be great reading or nauseating.  It will probably be both.

However, to every point there is a counter point.  And here is mine.

I propose a site for people you don't like.  They could include people from work, school, your family, your childhood and your fantasy life.  After all the years of therapy, wouldn't you like to tell your imaginary friend that you have come to the conclusion that he/she stifled your childhood.  And that you never understood that "special" language you two invented.  We could call it FUB.   FUB of course stands for F U Buddy.  We could encourage the people we don't like and don't like us to join and we could spend the respite from sugar and spice land bashing these people and vice versa.  We could post the absolute worst picture of our least favorite person and they could do the same.  It could be a real competition.  The friend business is not a challenge.  Instead of sending winks, nudges and giggles, we could send piles of fecal matter and balloons containing noxious gases to these hose heads. 

Who knows, FUB may surface one of these days from the dregs of the Internet, but in the meantime, I suspect that those nudges and winks and, yes, gooses, that you fling every day are never going to be quite the same after you've read this piece.

FUB, Brute!

Elmo 1997-2009

As some of you know, my wife Ellen is in the cat rescue business.  It would follow that we would have a few felines of our own and that it is true.  In fact, 11 cats share our home along with a myriad of stray, homeless and abandoned cats every year.  The visitors are housed in guest quarters in the basement.

In 1997, when we lived in Columbus, Ohio, a young male stray was brought to us who had been found by some truckers by the side of a highway.  He had been burned with cigarettes and was generally in bad shape.  Ellen restored him to health and we spent six months holding him on our laps as we watched television so that he would learn to trust humans again. The strategy paid off because he relaxed and became part of the gang. We named him Elmo.   

In 1998, When we retired to the North Fork,  Elmo began to gain weight.  We really don't know why as he didn't eat any more than his 11 brothers and sisters, but he ultimately weighed in at 23 pounds.  He was a big but gentle guy. Because of his girth, there were places on his body where he could not reach in order to clean himself, so the others took over that task for him.  Suffice it to say that the others must have really loved him.

Over the years, Elmo became the official greeter at our house.  When visitors arrived, he would jump onto the kitchen table and roll over on his back exposing his belly to all the petting and scratching our friends, workmen and any other category of visitor were willing to provide.

On one occasion, we had a chimney fire requiring us to call the fire department.  The firefighters arrived quickly and marched into our kitchen where the first thing they encountered was Elmo flat on his back awaiting their undying attention and affection. The fire, which had pretty much gone out, was almost ignored by Riverhead's bravest as they attended to Elmo's inviting belly and purr.  He was like that with almost anyone who came to visit.

The short of this is that about two weeks ago Elmo died.  If this appeared in an obituary in a newspaper it would have said, Elmo, age 12 died after a brief but valiant bout with cancer.   He is survived by his 11 brothers and sisters.  Cremation was private at the Mattituck/Laurel Veterinary Hospital.  Friends are asked to plant a bulb or flowering shrub in their yard in his memory.

Goodbye, Elmo.  We will be interviewing greeters for a long time before we can find anyone who can fill the job as well as you did.