A Lighter Tone

I read my last few blogger posts and found them to be a bit ponderous.  So, I thought I would give you and excerpt from a piece I wrote a few years ago that is essentially some free association stuff.  Here it is:

Please read the following letter to Dear Abby carefully.  It is  representative of a society that depends on curing its ills easily.  Abby and her evil twin sister, Ann Landers, were "over the counter" before we ever identified or coined the term "generic."

Dear Abby:   

A few years ago, you printed a letter from a woman in Scottsbluff, Nebraska in which she described, step by step, the procedure by which her husband, an electrician's apprentice, removed her ovaries and uterus.  The operation, using commonly found household implements, was performed in their kitchen and seemed quite simple.  Unfortunately, I can't find the clipping.  Would you mind reprinting it?  Thanks, Abby.

Hoping to be Barren in Bangor

Dear Hoping:

Here it is, but speak with your clergyman before you proceed.

P.S. Be sure your husband washes his hands first.

Some quickies:

Television invariably projects those trends that were passe two years ago.  This includes television news.

My friend Gary's mother insisted that he wash his hands as soon as he got out of bed in the morning.  "You never know what you might have touched during the night," she offered in explanation.

My mother never opened the door without first asking who was there through the closed door.  (No peepholes then)  On one occasion, when told it was "New telephone book," she replied, "Go away, I haven't finished reading last year's yet."  

Some people save phone books for years but throw out instruction manuals.  They also save today's newspapers and magazines containing articles that seem urgent and relevant to their lives.  At the time they say, "I'll read this later."   Some people tear things out of magazines only to throw them away when, months later, they can no longer remember why they cut the piece out in the first place.  I am one of those people.  Except I keep the whole newspaper and/or magazine.

Some people, like sheep, often bleat when they are annoyed.  Andy Rooney bleats every week on "60 Minutes."

An Andy Rooney like bleat goes like this:  (As you read the following, imagine it sounding an octave higher than your normal speaking voice even if you are a woman.)

There are too many postage paid subscription cards in magazines.  One would do it.  It is a great waste of trees.  We should encourage people to tear them out and write in large letters, "YOU MUST STOP DOING THIS!" and mail them, unsigned, back to the magazine.  After paying 28 cents for these cards, maybe the publishers will cut down on the number of these insertions and save some trees.

Well, I feel better.

Happy Valentine's Day!